[ Bones keeps up that contact, just gentle and present there. Bones isn't going anywhere. He knows things are pretty shit right now, so words aren't really gonna help. ]
It will be.
[ Always is. And until then, Bones is here. Whether Edgin wants to talk about it or not. He'll stay, work be damned. ]
You're fine. [ He waves a hand. ] Ain't pullin' me away from anything—No big castle crises today. Just the slow stuff.
[ Not wanting Edgin to feel like he's imposing, Bones gets up real quick gets up and grabs a notebook from one of his tables, as well as a pencil, then sits back down. He scoots up nice and close. ]
Only thing on my plate is all boring work. We take stock of what's broken, what needs fixing or replacin', that kinda thing. Plus, I've got some of my own notes to take down.
[ He wags the pencil a bit. Truthfully, the thralls do most of the counting around the infirmary, but he oversees their work and crosses the Ts and dots the Is, so to speak. ]
You're welcome to stick around, long as you like.
[ He looks down at his notes, fretting in his head. Truth is he's touched Edgin's here. They don't have to talk about it, because to Bones, his presence is enough. He crosses his legs so he can bump his knee with Edgin's. Maybe he should offer more than this, or maybe he's being too forward, Bones can't be sure. But he likes having Edgin here. And even if he's sad, he'd rather distract him than leave him alone. ]
Any time you need. You can come to me.
Edited (corrected the idiom) 2024-02-27 20:32 (UTC)
[ Edgin relaxes a bit and starts to look around like he's getting the first chance to really look at Bones's space, and then Bones tells him he can come any time he needs and his heart melts a little bit. ]
You don't gotta worry about that. Helpin' people ain't something I keep score on.
[ The words come easily, because they're true. He means that. Helping people has always been his way of showing affection, it's always driven him, even when it's lead him to wild experiments and all the rest. He'd help Edgin even if they were just friends. He'd want to be there for him.
But they're trying to be more than that. Bones isn't sure how to maneuver it, but he keeps that knee pressed against Edgin, even if he looks down and away to hide what he's sure is an obvious blush. Yes, his notes are suddenly far more interesting... and his next words, are just suddenly far harder for him to say. ]
...Never mind when it's someone I've got eyes for. You're fine.
[Bones huffs something like a laugh. They make quite the pair, the two of them tripping over themselves to compliment the other, but a quiet settles over them and Bones isn't in any hurry to break it.
At least not until Edgin breaks it himself. With that. ]
What?
[ Bones looks up from his notes fast enough to give him whiplash. Where did Jim... how? He's got a lot of questions, but most importantly is— ]
[ Bones sets his notebook down, reaching over to set a hand on Edgin's arm. He knows this feeling all too well.
But if Kira was alive, then that could only be a good thing. Founders only know how Leonard would feel in his shoes, but he tries to stay positive for Edgin. ]
If she's alive, that's all that matters. You can't blame yourself for stuff you didn't know.
I mean, yeah, obviously, but...she'll hate me. I mean it's bad enough if I never looked for her, but vampires killed her mom, and...
[ some part of him is aware he's speaking too fast. Aware of the way the emotions of it claw at his throat and threaten to overwhelm him, grief compounding grief and turning into greater catastrophe still.
He's also vaguely aware he's only told Bones bits and pieces of this. That it's new to him and missing context.
But he's so overwhelmed. ]
And I've just been here pretending to teach a bunch of novices how to play the lute so they have a class they won't fail.
[ maybe he's not supposed to admit that out loud but he sure just did. ]
[ Bones doesn't need to know all the details, he's piecing together—well. Vampires killing your mom might make it hard to accept that your dad is one of them now, too. That's hard.
But Bones knows Edgin loves his daughter. He knows he loved his wife. And now he's panicking, and Bones doesn't need to understand the how's or why's, he reaches forward and grips Edgin's hand, stepping out of the chair to kneel in front of Edgin and try to get him to focus on him. On now. ]
She'll love you, Edgin. You're her dad, and she's your daughter. Just like you'd love her, even if she didn't do nothin' but yell at you.
[ Bones knows because that's how he feels—even if his daughter hated him, and even if he's scared to reconnect with her, he was just running away before. He wants to connect because he loves her. He would always love her, even if it's the last thing he'll ever do. ]
You and your family got a shit hand, anyone can see that. Even here in the castle, you've been playin' against a rigged house, tryin' to even the odds.
[ And if Edgin's admitting to giving kids a free pass—who cares? It's not like Bones doesn't teach healing in the hopes that these kids won't die or hurt themselves. And sure, he might've failed a few kids who showed an interest in poisoning or killing, but he'd never damn someone into this life if he didn't think that death was no alternative.
He looks up at Edgin, gently guiding his hands into his lap. Edgin, who's nicer than Bones by a long shot. If his daughter couldn't see that, then she was a fool. They'd help her see. ]
It's gonna be alright. If she's alive—that's all that matters.
[ Bones might have joked about his bedside manner, but he is calming. Edgin watches him, focused on him and his words. He grounds himself in them, and in the feeling of holding hands.
He starts to breathe more slowly and then not at all, which is of course what's normal for vampires. Edgin and grief are old friends by now, but the grounding helps.
He's quiet for a long moment just staring down at Bones, and then, very quietly he says: ]
It's my fault. Whatever happened to her. What happened to her mom. It's because of me.
[ It's true, Bones does actually know how to care for people. He acts like he's above it, but when it counts, he's there. He squeezes Edgin's hands and strokes his knuckles till his breathing calms and stops. That's normal at least—what passes for normal in these halls.
So Bones just lets Edgin have this. He's there and he's careful. And he sees the hurt in Edgin's eyes, clear as day. Could his words be true? Bones knows Edgin would never do it on purpose, but Bones also knows all about hurting those around you without meaning to—and for men like him and Edgin, that's not an impossibility.
But the fact is that's a conversation for a much more coherent Edgin. Bones doesn't need to know the details, he knows what Edgin needs now is someone to listen. He squeezes Edgin's hands, silver gaze looking straight at him. ]
[ He trails off before finishes, and he shakes his head. It's a lot. Somehow every time they hang out it's a lot. Edgin spilling his feelings. Bones and the pollen.
Maybe he can just blame this on the pollen and be done with it.
But he doesn't want to lie to Bones.
He hasn't come here to talk about Kira or Zia though, he had come here because...]
[ Bones just stays there, ready to listen. It is a lot, but he doesn't mind it. They're always sharing huge parts of themselves with each other, it seems. But Bones has never met anyone as kind and caring as Edgin. If he was going to share these things with him, then the least he could do was offer to listen in return.
He isn't surprised that the real reason has finally come out, though. Bones figured it was about that time. He takes Edgin's hands and he squeezes them again. ]
Yeah.
[ It is a fact. Their bond must be broken. There was no other reason Edgin would feel that way. The emptiness of a broken bond... Bones can't really imagine it. He'd felt hollowed out after his divorce, but that was before he'd become a vampire and taken on all this weird bonding shit.
Fortunately, he has some knowledge of Jim Kirk. Flighty as he might try to appear, any time the subject of Edgin came up, it was clear the kid had invented a whole new level of commitment for Edgin. ]
He'll be right back to you. That boy doesn't quit nobody.
Might be. But it still feels like an age, huh? You don't gotta pretend it doesn't.
[ Bones squeezes Edgin's hands. He knows it's not much of a comfort. They might be immortal, but by all counts, they're still young. Jim's choice was his own and he knows it wasn't easy, but it hurt Edgin pretty clearly. That's months of missing something they had. It's not nothing, he can tell. ]
It hurts, losing people. Even if they're comin' back. Even if they're right there.
[ It had felt the same with his wife, though the circumstances were clearly different. Jocelyn had been pulling away from him before Joanna was born, and who could blame her? It didn't make it hurt any less, Bones can only imagine what Edgin must feel. ]
You can tell me all about it, Ed. If you want. I'm right here. I'll stay right here.
That's different. Jim and I...we have something really special, but...
[ he doesn't really want to finish that sentence. He doesn't really want to qualify what they have. Sure it's been just two seasons but it doesn't matter. What they had was intense. Edgin had told him he loved him. ]
[ Jim has literally told Bones that he loves Edgin, and Bones can tell the feeling is mutual. It's capital L love, not something that can be put into words, he gets that too.
Bones wouldn't feel right getting between that. He doesn't think what he has with Edgin would, since it's different, since vampires are different—but still. ]
I loved Jocelyn. I still hurt her.
[ It must have felt like how Edgin feels, hurt and angry and unable to do anything about it. Who could hate a doctor for wanting to treat his patients? Who could hate Jim for doing what was best for him?
There was no doubt Jim loved Edgin, even if it hurt both of them. Bones just hopes they don't make the same mistakes he did, and don't end up realizing it until it's too late. ]
[ he runs a hand through t his hair but forces himself to look up at Bones. It's the least he can do, when he's telling a guy who likes him about the guy who just broke his heart. ]
I felt it. When it ended. I'd let go so he could, of course, but...I wasn't expecting what it felt like. Maybe I should've paid better attention in Silver classes.
[ It's okay, Edgin. Bones won't hold it against him. He asked for this, even—every part of Edgin, the broken parts and the tattered parts, and the parts of him that love so fiercely. Vulnerable and beautiful and so, so sad. Bones' squeezes Edgin's shoulder, stroking it with care, just a touch to center him.
How could he do anything but be there for him? How could he hope for anything but to see his heart mended, and the bond between him and Jim fixed? It's true that it wasn't like his own divorce—a bond was different than marriage, Edgin was proof. But Bones would be damned if he let two people who loved each other come apart in front of him. He likes Edgin too much to wish him any kind of pain. ]
Ain't a lot of words to describe what it feels like, I bet.
[ Bones tries a smile with the joke, but it's sad. Sympathetic. He can't imagine words would do that kind of pain justice. ]
Silver Court, we're all about bein' clinical. Hell, you probably heard it described as "abdominal discomfort," or some shit, I don't blame you.
[ that earns a laugh -- a sad one but a laugh nonetheless ]
I bet that was it.
[ He'd never done well in Silver, his healing wasn't very good. Some bards are healers and some bards just want to cast vicious mockery. ]
I'm sorry.
[ he says it softly, looking up at Bones. He's so glad for him but it's also a lot to ask him to hold this. He reaches up and pulls him down to give him a kiss, equal parts apology and gratitude and cutting him off before he can say he doesn't have to apologize. ]
[ Bones smiles to hear it, even a sad laugh is better than none. He looks straight down at Edgin, the same understanding and sympathy that he knows Edgin would have for him, and he's definitely about to tell Edgin not to apologize when Edgin bridges the distance with a kiss.
That shuts Leonard up pretty easy. He kisses back gently, reaching forward to brace on the back of Edgin's neck. He's careful and soft and puts as much comfort as he can in every gesture, rubbing Edgin's neck with his thumb as he kisses back. He doesn't need thanks, but it's appreciated. He doesn't mind shouldering Edgin's burdens. His heart is too big not to. Now that he's let Edgin in, he'd never be content to let Edgin suffer on his own. ]
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[ Bones keeps up that contact, just gentle and present there. Bones isn't going anywhere. He knows things are pretty shit right now, so words aren't really gonna help. ]
It will be.
[ Always is. And until then, Bones is here. Whether Edgin wants to talk about it or not. He'll stay, work be damned. ]
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[ he gestures vaguely. Hang out? Be here? ]
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[ Not wanting Edgin to feel like he's imposing, Bones gets up real quick gets up and grabs a notebook from one of his tables, as well as a pencil, then sits back down. He scoots up nice and close. ]
Only thing on my plate is all boring work. We take stock of what's broken, what needs fixing or replacin', that kinda thing. Plus, I've got some of my own notes to take down.
[ He wags the pencil a bit. Truthfully, the thralls do most of the counting around the infirmary, but he oversees their work and crosses the Ts and dots the Is, so to speak. ]
You're welcome to stick around, long as you like.
[ He looks down at his notes, fretting in his head. Truth is he's touched Edgin's here. They don't have to talk about it, because to Bones, his presence is enough. He crosses his legs so he can bump his knee with Edgin's. Maybe he should offer more than this, or maybe he's being too forward, Bones can't be sure. But he likes having Edgin here. And even if he's sad, he'd rather distract him than leave him alone. ]
Any time you need. You can come to me.
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[ Edgin relaxes a bit and starts to look around like he's getting the first chance to really look at Bones's space, and then Bones tells him he can come any time he needs and his heart melts a little bit. ]
I hope I can return the favor, sometime.
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[ The words come easily, because they're true. He means that. Helping people has always been his way of showing affection, it's always driven him, even when it's lead him to wild experiments and all the rest. He'd help Edgin even if they were just friends. He'd want to be there for him.
But they're trying to be more than that. Bones isn't sure how to maneuver it, but he keeps that knee pressed against Edgin, even if he looks down and away to hide what he's sure is an obvious blush. Yes, his notes are suddenly far more interesting... and his next words, are just suddenly far harder for him to say. ]
...Never mind when it's someone I've got eyes for. You're fine.
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[ it's enough he misses Bones's own cute blush, ducking his head and looking down at his hands, which are resting uselessly in his lap now.
He can see, too, Bones's knee up against his, and that's pretty nice.
He's quiet for a long moment and then finally what he decides to say is: ]
Jim has this crazy theory that Kira is still alive.
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At least not until Edgin breaks it himself. With that. ]
What?
[ Bones looks up from his notes fast enough to give him whiplash. Where did Jim... how? He's got a lot of questions, but most importantly is— ]
Do you think he's right?
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If he's right, I've been doing a shit job of looking for her.
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[ Bones sets his notebook down, reaching over to set a hand on Edgin's arm. He knows this feeling all too well.
But if Kira was alive, then that could only be a good thing. Founders only know how Leonard would feel in his shoes, but he tries to stay positive for Edgin. ]
If she's alive, that's all that matters. You can't blame yourself for stuff you didn't know.
Grief; panic
[ some part of him is aware he's speaking too fast. Aware of the way the emotions of it claw at his throat and threaten to overwhelm him, grief compounding grief and turning into greater catastrophe still.
He's also vaguely aware he's only told Bones bits and pieces of this. That it's new to him and missing context.
But he's so overwhelmed. ]
And I've just been here pretending to teach a bunch of novices how to play the lute so they have a class they won't fail.
[ maybe he's not supposed to admit that out loud but he sure just did. ]
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But Bones knows Edgin loves his daughter. He knows he loved his wife. And now he's panicking, and Bones doesn't need to understand the how's or why's, he reaches forward and grips Edgin's hand, stepping out of the chair to kneel in front of Edgin and try to get him to focus on him. On now. ]
She'll love you, Edgin. You're her dad, and she's your daughter. Just like you'd love her, even if she didn't do nothin' but yell at you.
[ Bones knows because that's how he feels—even if his daughter hated him, and even if he's scared to reconnect with her, he was just running away before. He wants to connect because he loves her. He would always love her, even if it's the last thing he'll ever do. ]
You and your family got a shit hand, anyone can see that. Even here in the castle, you've been playin' against a rigged house, tryin' to even the odds.
[ And if Edgin's admitting to giving kids a free pass—who cares? It's not like Bones doesn't teach healing in the hopes that these kids won't die or hurt themselves. And sure, he might've failed a few kids who showed an interest in poisoning or killing, but he'd never damn someone into this life if he didn't think that death was no alternative.
He looks up at Edgin, gently guiding his hands into his lap. Edgin, who's nicer than Bones by a long shot. If his daughter couldn't see that, then she was a fool. They'd help her see. ]
It's gonna be alright. If she's alive—that's all that matters.
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He starts to breathe more slowly and then not at all, which is of course what's normal for vampires. Edgin and grief are old friends by now, but the grounding helps.
He's quiet for a long moment just staring down at Bones, and then, very quietly he says: ]
It's my fault. Whatever happened to her. What happened to her mom. It's because of me.
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So Bones just lets Edgin have this. He's there and he's careful. And he sees the hurt in Edgin's eyes, clear as day. Could his words be true? Bones knows Edgin would never do it on purpose, but Bones also knows all about hurting those around you without meaning to—and for men like him and Edgin, that's not an impossibility.
But the fact is that's a conversation for a much more coherent Edgin. Bones doesn't need to know the details, he knows what Edgin needs now is someone to listen. He squeezes Edgin's hands, silver gaze looking straight at him. ]
You didn't kill her, Ed. It's not your fault.
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[ He trails off before finishes, and he shakes his head. It's a lot. Somehow every time they hang out it's a lot. Edgin spilling his feelings. Bones and the pollen.
Maybe he can just blame this on the pollen and be done with it.
But he doesn't want to lie to Bones.
He hasn't come here to talk about Kira or Zia though, he had come here because...]
Jim left.
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He isn't surprised that the real reason has finally come out, though. Bones figured it was about that time. He takes Edgin's hands and he squeezes them again. ]
Yeah.
[ It is a fact. Their bond must be broken. There was no other reason Edgin would feel that way. The emptiness of a broken bond... Bones can't really imagine it. He'd felt hollowed out after his divorce, but that was before he'd become a vampire and taken on all this weird bonding shit.
Fortunately, he has some knowledge of Jim Kirk. Flighty as he might try to appear, any time the subject of Edgin came up, it was clear the kid had invented a whole new level of commitment for Edgin. ]
He'll be right back to you. That boy doesn't quit nobody.
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[ But the words don't undo the hole in his chest. They don't stop him from feeling like he's suffocating. ]
Just a few months. That's nothing for creatures like us.
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[ Bones squeezes Edgin's hands. He knows it's not much of a comfort. They might be immortal, but by all counts, they're still young. Jim's choice was his own and he knows it wasn't easy, but it hurt Edgin pretty clearly. That's months of missing something they had. It's not nothing, he can tell. ]
It hurts, losing people. Even if they're comin' back. Even if they're right there.
[ It had felt the same with his wife, though the circumstances were clearly different. Jocelyn had been pulling away from him before Joanna was born, and who could blame her? It didn't make it hurt any less, Bones can only imagine what Edgin must feel. ]
You can tell me all about it, Ed. If you want. I'm right here. I'll stay right here.
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[ maybe if he says it enough he'll believe it too ]
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But it was still hard, and it still hurt. Boy, Bones really feels like a dick for his secret betting thing now.
Starting today, I'll be better, he tells himself. Maybe it could be true. ]
Sometimes the "right thing" can still feel like shit.
[ As he stands, Bones reaches up and sets a hand on Edgin's shoulder. He keeps that contact, wanting to stay close. ]
I thought I was doing the right thing by choosing my job over my family. And I still hurt them like hell.
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[ he doesn't really want to finish that sentence. He doesn't really want to qualify what they have. Sure it's been just two seasons but it doesn't matter. What they had was intense. Edgin had told him he loved him. ]
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[ Jim has literally told Bones that he loves Edgin, and Bones can tell the feeling is mutual. It's capital L love, not something that can be put into words, he gets that too.
Bones wouldn't feel right getting between that. He doesn't think what he has with Edgin would, since it's different, since vampires are different—but still. ]
I loved Jocelyn. I still hurt her.
[ It must have felt like how Edgin feels, hurt and angry and unable to do anything about it. Who could hate a doctor for wanting to treat his patients? Who could hate Jim for doing what was best for him?
There was no doubt Jim loved Edgin, even if it hurt both of them. Bones just hopes they don't make the same mistakes he did, and don't end up realizing it until it's too late. ]
This whole thing, it's hurting you.
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[ he runs a hand through t his hair but forces himself to look up at Bones. It's the least he can do, when he's telling a guy who likes him about the guy who just broke his heart. ]
I felt it. When it ended. I'd let go so he could, of course, but...I wasn't expecting what it felt like. Maybe I should've paid better attention in Silver classes.
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How could he do anything but be there for him? How could he hope for anything but to see his heart mended, and the bond between him and Jim fixed? It's true that it wasn't like his own divorce—a bond was different than marriage, Edgin was proof. But Bones would be damned if he let two people who loved each other come apart in front of him. He likes Edgin too much to wish him any kind of pain. ]
Ain't a lot of words to describe what it feels like, I bet.
[ Bones tries a smile with the joke, but it's sad. Sympathetic. He can't imagine words would do that kind of pain justice. ]
Silver Court, we're all about bein' clinical. Hell, you probably heard it described as "abdominal discomfort," or some shit, I don't blame you.
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I bet that was it.
[ He'd never done well in Silver, his healing wasn't very good. Some bards are healers and some bards just want to cast vicious mockery. ]
I'm sorry.
[ he says it softly, looking up at Bones. He's so glad for him but it's also a lot to ask him to hold this. He reaches up and pulls him down to give him a kiss, equal parts apology and gratitude and cutting him off before he can say he doesn't have to apologize. ]
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That shuts Leonard up pretty easy. He kisses back gently, reaching forward to brace on the back of Edgin's neck. He's careful and soft and puts as much comfort as he can in every gesture, rubbing Edgin's neck with his thumb as he kisses back. He doesn't need thanks, but it's appreciated. He doesn't mind shouldering Edgin's burdens. His heart is too big not to. Now that he's let Edgin in, he'd never be content to let Edgin suffer on his own. ]
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